So. I never thought I'd be here the last time I sat down to write. 20. Engaged. Happy. It's kind of crazy. It's the life I wanted, not perfect or simple but a life that makes me feel alive. Some days are hard, but I have a man that I love so much who helps me through those days. Some days are great. Those days feel like a fairy tale. Still, like all of you, I struggle with pain, regret, questions, and tragedy. I struggle with faith and believing that everything is real and going to last.
But still I believe that I deserve great things and I believe I deserve to be happy. I want this happiness for me and for my family. I want to change the world and I think it starts with changing my world. All the pain, all the crap, all the struggling really sucks and I'm tired of it. I am choosing a better life for myself.
A lot of you are probably wondering who I am and what happened to the girl you knew. Well she was changed. By trial, by faith, by love. My life was spinning and then all of a sudden it crashed into all the pain and anger but also all the great things in my life and I came out for the better.
Part of this new and improved me is due to the fact that I am completely head over heals in love with Joseph Baas. He has helped me see the best version of myself and he has led me to believe that I am better than I have believed myself to be in the past. He has helped me to believe in a God who loves, heals, and forgives. He has helped me to see through my darkest moments and never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself.
Joe and I are far from perfect. We have our problems like everyone else. We are growing and changing, evolving into people we are proud to be, and together becoming a couple that defines our love in Christ's forgiveness and this new life we have been given. Romans 8:37 says, "For we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." The rest of that passage goes on to say that nothing separates us from Christ. That means nothing. No sin, no pain, no anger, no broken past. Nothing separates us from the blood and redemption of Jesus.
That's how I can believe in the love Joe and I have. I see the love that Christ gives me despite my sin, my brokenness, my past. I see how I have been redeemed for a purpose and part of that purpose is to love and and be loved.
I never understood this before because I didn't love myself and I definitely didn't love others--not the way I supposed to anyways. My love was out of motive and now it is a love that is unbounded by the things that used to weigh me down. Now my love strives to be Christ-like. I love because I have seen what it is like to be loved, truly loved, and I now know what it feels like to love without motive. I will never achieve such perfection, but man will I try. I will always love and be slow to judge, anger, and abandon. Only will I let the Lord of my life guide such big decisions.
So...all that being said...are you ready to hear about my whirlwind semester? I hope so. It's one heck of a ride.
This is my story. I don't always know how to tell it and a lot of people don't like what it has to say, but I am happy and for the first time in my life I feel like things will be okay. I'll be back tomorrow to tell you about this man I love so much. The question is will you be back to read it?
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