Watching Life Go By

I am having one of those moments. You know, the moment you realized that you should have appreciated it more. You should have lived more. You should have done more in those moments that were so fleeting. And now you sit here wanting it all back and you feel powerless.

I had one of those moments today. I have been having those moments for a couple of weeks, actually. A lot of people that I love have graduated, got married, are having children and as these milestones are flying by for them I have been feeling stuck. It's not that I want all these things right now, but I can't help but think that I should have graduated. I should be moving on. I should have done more then so I could be where I saw myself being now. Instead I sit and reminisce about the past and do nothing to change the future.

That stops now. I have never been a small-time dreamer. I have never been one of those people that didn't know what they wanted. Now I'm being faced with change and I want to pull the e-brake and just stop time, go back, and do it differently.

What I have realized though is that life doesn't work like that. There is only one thing that can be controlled and that is the now. There is this great quote that I love. "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." Some say it was an idea that belonged to Ghandi, some say a Chinese prophet, and others say its author is unknown.

I found it in a fortune cookie five years ago and it is more true now than it has ever been. So I am going to start living and stop worrying so much about the past and the future. There are some great things around me right now that I just need to open my eyes to see.

I suggest you do the same.

SD

The Center Ring

I was standing in line at the grocery store the other day and plastered all over every magazine and tabloid was stuff about the death of Whitney Houston. I thought about it for a minute as a journalist and my reaction was not what I expected. This woman had a bright career. She was talented and beautiful and clearly lost. She died a tragic death and as with any death there were people who experienced great pain and sorrow. Does that mean that the media should  be able to make a quick buck from it?

This obsession I see with celebrities and the good and bad in their lives is a little disturbing. I will be the first one to admit that I suffer from this obsession too. Though I have no interest in who Ben ends up with on the Bachelor, I still watch every week. Though I know that the activities of my favorite artist's life doesn't really affect me much I still look for their posts on Facebook.

I think the interest is not a bad thing. I think the obsession and disrespect the media shows is more than unsettling. Televising that funeral was not only insensitive, but going too far. Constantly plastering this woman's face on every magazine and tabloid is too much. And speculating about what happened regardless of the facts is unfair.

People die everyday and the ones who are overpowered by their demons are the most tragic, but it doesn't mean we have a right to take advantage of it for a quick buck or a good bit in conversation.

As I prepare to fill the entertainment section of my school paper, an article on Whitney Houston is the last thing on my mind. I refuse to be part of this circus and I definitely reject the opportunity to be in the center ring.

What comes next...

A few weeks ago I posted that I was afraid of what the future holds. I had been experiencing some doubt about my life and its direction and I found myself stuck between terrified and hopeless. I realized tonight that I have wasted a lot of time feeling that way and worrying about the future.

The life I lead right now is so much a story of miracles, and hope, and truth. For the last six years I have dealt with some pretty intense medical problems and despite all the doctors, hospitals, and medication, I have risen above it and found my way to my senior year in college. I am applying to graduate school and working some pretty awesome jobs that challenge my body, my mind, and my soul.

I used to think I never want to do "this" for the rest of my life. I always thought that working retail or food service or whatever it was that I was doing was not good enough for me. And granted I have dreams and I have goals and I want to do great things, but the things I do now are great too.

When I am tutoring someone at school and they get it and start to believe they can in fact succeed, I feel that greatness. When I am pushing through the last hour of my shift at my second job, even though every muscle in my body hurts, I feel worthy. When I am helping a student in the library and giving them the smallest glimmer of hope that their assignment is possible, I feel competent.

I realize that there is this quiet nobility in taking whatever it is that is in front of you and doing it well. There is a kind of honor in believing nothing is beneath you and no one is less than you. 

So no matter how rude a customer might be at work, I am going to smile and welcome them. I am going to treat them like they don't deserve and hope that my kindness will outshine whatever makes them so bitter. Whenever a student is rude to me in the library I am going to keep believing in the goodness of people and not become bitter myself.

I am going to believe in the good things in my life and trust that they will lead to some great future. I don't deny that there is pain in the world and I know that bad things happen all the time, but I believe that the good things are worth my time and energy. There is always a silver lining and even when it seems impossible to see, I am going to keep searching and keep moving forward because that's all I can do.

I think one of the reasons we feel overwhelmed, sad, and even hopeless, is because we spend so much time trying to fix things and we miss the magic in our lives. Sort of like the child that still believes in Santa, we have to look to the miracles to give us hope and all the pain and junk will seem less important.

At least that's how I feel right now. My life isn't perfect. I am struggling, just like we all do. But I am working hard, moving forward, and proud of who I am.

So even as I lay here with tired eyes and tired muscles, I am going to get up tomorrow and do it all again because there is a quiet nobility and honor in working hard and achieving greatness. Even if that greatness looks different to me than it might to you.

Look for the magic in the world today, tomorrow, and everyday.

Good night world. I love you all.

SD

'tis the season to be... materialistic?

I was thinking about Christmas today and all that there is to do and see during the holidays. For some reason when I was little I enjoyed the madness starting around Thanksgiving, but now days it's more a hassle than enjoyable. Maybe it comes from working retail and food service on too many black Fridays. Maybe it comes from the lack of money and time to shop for things. Maybe it's because I hate Christmas music.

It's hard sometimes to not feel like a scrooge this time of year. It's because every time "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" comes on the radio I cringe. It's because I am disgusted by the amount of money, time, and energy spent on gift giving. Don't get me wrong, I love  present as much as the next poor college student, but I guess when I see the madness, the traffic, the general lack of concern for the meaning behind the holiday itself, I loose interest at the very least.

When people fight over parking spaces at the mall just to buy the next doodad or thingamajig or nearly cause an accident because everyone is in such a big rush, it irks me. Not just during the holidays, but everyday. I guess I notice it more now because I just expect people to be kinder, more considerate, and a little more forgiving this time of year. It doesn't really happen that way.

So here I sit feeling like the anti-Christmas scrooge while I just spent the whole night baking cookies and wondering why I care at all. I think I like the idea of Christmas spirit, but in a more meaningful way. I like to bake because I can share what I make with the people I love. I like to give gifts, material or not, because it shows the people I care for that I am thinking of them and I love them and they so important in my life.

Whether you buy into the spiritual side of Christmas or not, there is so much more than crazy malls and eating food that lead to a resolution to shed the resultant pounds come New Year's. I am realizing that and I hope you do too. I have found that without this notion of the deeper side of Christmas, you miss out on some really great moments.

The place I used to call home...and man do I miss it!

Let me start off by saying three things: 1) I loved my time at Taylor University 2) I miss it everyday 3) (and this is most important) I do not regret one single thing that has happened since I left. I know that my time there and my time away from there was all part of God's plan for my life. In the time since I left Taylor, I have found myself, the man I supposed to spend the rest of my life with, peace and happiness--things I ran to Upland looking for, and a family that I never dreamed of having when I ran away from home nearly four years ago.

But man do I miss Taylor. I made some of the best friends and family while I was there. So much has happened since leaving. Friends have gotten married and engaged, graduated, and found love and success in so many ways.

Tonight I saw a video that reminded me of the good days and all the happy moments there. CBS sports did a special on TU and our little world in the middle of Indiana. I know I am not part of the TU community anymore but a part of me still feels like it's a part of me. Like when you grow up somewhere and then move away in high school. That old home is always still a home, but now I have a new home and new love, and a new life.

I will love Taylor forever, but I am a new person, happy, healthy, and alive and I am so greatful that is the case. I will always love this place and the memories I have, but tonight, I am finally letting go of the loss I had with leaving Taylor and embracing everything I do have. I am thanking God for all those amazing memories, but I thank Him for all of the ones that are still yet to be made.

Check out this video on CBSsports for more about my little school in the middle of the cornfields.

And the world turns...

We all go through things. Sometimes our things are harder than other people's things. Sometimes my stuff is a bigger deal to me than you think it should be. We all have perspective and our perspective is unique to our experience, understanding, and emotions. But it doesn't make us exempt from the fact that everyone has these experiences, joyous and painful, that make us feel happy, sad, angry, giddy, loved, alone, and everything in between.


My favorite writer, Jamie Tworkowski (I talk about him a lot) said something pretty smart once (well more than once, but you get the point...):

 "We all wake to the human condition.  We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss..."

Every day people are losing loved ones and every day babies join the world creating love, beauty, and mystery in our worlds and in our families. But life is more than a sitcom and we have to accept that it is not just all happy cuddly moments.


I found myself wishing for younger days recently (that's weird to say at barely 21, but as a senior in college about to be married, I find myself with more responsibility and more decisions than I have ever had before), and with that longing I was wishing for a day to sit around and watch one of my favorite sitcoms  Boy Meets World. 


I always loved BMW because it was real problems (sort of), but they were solved in 28 minutes most of the time. The people dealt with real pain and real loss, but they always found ways to deal with it by the end of the episode. As a kid in a not so perfect home (like that exists) I wished that could be real and I would dream of a world where problems were solved like that.


Where my life is more complicated now and I have more responsibility to myself and others, I find myself wishing for it more. The stakes are higher now and the pain is worse when I mess up and I have come to realize that dream world I wanted as a kid is not just a childish fantasy, but something I still wish for as an adult. Where does that leave me?


I think I have come to realize something else, Jamie Tworkowski said to be true,

 "We live in a difficult world, a broken world.  My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time.  We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck."

I have felt many of these emotions expressed in the above quote and I feel alone, stuck, and confused and wonder why that world I have longed for can't be real. Sometimes I have wondered if that simple world is real and if I am not good enough to have it. 


I have come to realize that the joy comes with the pain. The enjoyment of the good stuff comes from appreciating what you learn from the bad stuff. I have been down some really painful paths and I have messed up my share of things, but I have learned that nothing can be solved in 28 minutes and the problems of this worldh take time, patience, and hard work.


Whether I solve a problem quickly or slowly the world keeps on turning and I will keep on growing and life will keep on moving forward. If I royally mess up life goes on and I will pick up the pieces and move on or I won't. All I know is that if I don't pick up those pieces I will miss out on some really amazing things like love, beauty, peace. And that's just the beginning...

Love, Loss, and Healing

Have you ever watched something really sad?

I have been really into Army Wives lately, and I think it has more to offer than just entertainment. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it is a scripted, ideal life situation. Even so, it offers me lessons of how to deal with the harder things in life, like losing someone very close to you.

The episodes that I have been watching lately have to do with the death in one of the main families, The Holdens. The daughter, Amanda, is killed in a tragic bombing. Often the episodes end with this dramatic change in tone and all of sudden one of the surviving family members is reminded of this great loss and I find myself crying right along with them.

This was my experience just a few minutes ago as I watched the mother and sister characters walk into the rebuilt place where the bombing occurred. The sister broke down and began coming to terms with the loss of her sister after fighting with the guilt of being happy throughout the entire episode.

I think there are so many real life implications here and the biggest one is that these things that we spend our time with, whether it's television, music, reading, whatever, give us an outlet to express emotions. I can relate to this situation of losing someone near to me in a swift, unexpected, moment. No goodbye, no warning. In my case a phone call changed everything. And now every time I do something that reminds me of him, my heart aches at the very least and at times I find myself bawling at the oddest of times.

The great struggle that we see in my silly analogy, but also in real life, is that we struggle with guilt when we're happy. Every time I smile, laugh, act goofy, and so on, I feel guilty. He died in pain, in the wee hours of the morning, with no one to hear his last words. Yes, he lived his life, but is it fair of me to go on living when he's gone? This is my tension.

I think if he were here there would be no question, and further more he'd be angry if I weren't living or if I were stuck in this constant suspended state between happiness and guilt vs. being stagnant. Ideally, we grow, change, feel love, pain, happiness, and all sorts of things, and in the process the ones we may have lost are not forgotten. Their memory is honored in how we live our lives well.

I honor him everyday by living my life proud of who I am and where I come from. I live in honor of him by doing right by myself, my future, and whatever future family I might have. I hear all the time how proud of me he was and I never really knew this because he was a man of few words, but I live my life in honor of him by doing things that would make him proud. And if I feel happiness along the way I think it makes him feel more proud to know that I am living and carrying on his spirit through my life.

My greatest regret is not saying goodbye. There was this moment where I almost demanded to be taken to the airport to get a plane a few days before he died, but I didn't because it was finals and I felt like God was going to let him hold on. I was so angry at God when he died just a few hours before I got home. I realize  now that in a sense I don't have to say goodbye.

He died at home, in the house where his children grew, in the house where I have memories, and in the house I continue to visit today. His ashes were spread in the yard behind this home and it is as if he is part of the home and part of our lives in every way. I have chosen to honor that home with his memory by believing that he is there and that though his body died on that horrible day nearly three years ago, his life lives on through me, his family, and his home.

I hope you can find ways to deal with your loss in similar ways. I know that my journey to this kind of closure has been a long road and it hasn't been easy. Find your outlet to begin that journey and then don't be afraid to express those emotions. If I hadn't started writing while those tears were rolling down my face just now, these words would have never crossed my mind much less made it to this page. Sometimes that raw emotion we are so afraid of brings healing. Sometimes that lack of control, that uncertainty, brings hope, peace, and sometimes even joy.

For all the ones we've lost and all the ones we still have. To love and to healing.