Watching Life Go By

I am having one of those moments. You know, the moment you realized that you should have appreciated it more. You should have lived more. You should have done more in those moments that were so fleeting. And now you sit here wanting it all back and you feel powerless.

I had one of those moments today. I have been having those moments for a couple of weeks, actually. A lot of people that I love have graduated, got married, are having children and as these milestones are flying by for them I have been feeling stuck. It's not that I want all these things right now, but I can't help but think that I should have graduated. I should be moving on. I should have done more then so I could be where I saw myself being now. Instead I sit and reminisce about the past and do nothing to change the future.

That stops now. I have never been a small-time dreamer. I have never been one of those people that didn't know what they wanted. Now I'm being faced with change and I want to pull the e-brake and just stop time, go back, and do it differently.

What I have realized though is that life doesn't work like that. There is only one thing that can be controlled and that is the now. There is this great quote that I love. "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." Some say it was an idea that belonged to Ghandi, some say a Chinese prophet, and others say its author is unknown.

I found it in a fortune cookie five years ago and it is more true now than it has ever been. So I am going to start living and stop worrying so much about the past and the future. There are some great things around me right now that I just need to open my eyes to see.

I suggest you do the same.

SD

The Center Ring

I was standing in line at the grocery store the other day and plastered all over every magazine and tabloid was stuff about the death of Whitney Houston. I thought about it for a minute as a journalist and my reaction was not what I expected. This woman had a bright career. She was talented and beautiful and clearly lost. She died a tragic death and as with any death there were people who experienced great pain and sorrow. Does that mean that the media should  be able to make a quick buck from it?

This obsession I see with celebrities and the good and bad in their lives is a little disturbing. I will be the first one to admit that I suffer from this obsession too. Though I have no interest in who Ben ends up with on the Bachelor, I still watch every week. Though I know that the activities of my favorite artist's life doesn't really affect me much I still look for their posts on Facebook.

I think the interest is not a bad thing. I think the obsession and disrespect the media shows is more than unsettling. Televising that funeral was not only insensitive, but going too far. Constantly plastering this woman's face on every magazine and tabloid is too much. And speculating about what happened regardless of the facts is unfair.

People die everyday and the ones who are overpowered by their demons are the most tragic, but it doesn't mean we have a right to take advantage of it for a quick buck or a good bit in conversation.

As I prepare to fill the entertainment section of my school paper, an article on Whitney Houston is the last thing on my mind. I refuse to be part of this circus and I definitely reject the opportunity to be in the center ring.

What comes next...

A few weeks ago I posted that I was afraid of what the future holds. I had been experiencing some doubt about my life and its direction and I found myself stuck between terrified and hopeless. I realized tonight that I have wasted a lot of time feeling that way and worrying about the future.

The life I lead right now is so much a story of miracles, and hope, and truth. For the last six years I have dealt with some pretty intense medical problems and despite all the doctors, hospitals, and medication, I have risen above it and found my way to my senior year in college. I am applying to graduate school and working some pretty awesome jobs that challenge my body, my mind, and my soul.

I used to think I never want to do "this" for the rest of my life. I always thought that working retail or food service or whatever it was that I was doing was not good enough for me. And granted I have dreams and I have goals and I want to do great things, but the things I do now are great too.

When I am tutoring someone at school and they get it and start to believe they can in fact succeed, I feel that greatness. When I am pushing through the last hour of my shift at my second job, even though every muscle in my body hurts, I feel worthy. When I am helping a student in the library and giving them the smallest glimmer of hope that their assignment is possible, I feel competent.

I realize that there is this quiet nobility in taking whatever it is that is in front of you and doing it well. There is a kind of honor in believing nothing is beneath you and no one is less than you. 

So no matter how rude a customer might be at work, I am going to smile and welcome them. I am going to treat them like they don't deserve and hope that my kindness will outshine whatever makes them so bitter. Whenever a student is rude to me in the library I am going to keep believing in the goodness of people and not become bitter myself.

I am going to believe in the good things in my life and trust that they will lead to some great future. I don't deny that there is pain in the world and I know that bad things happen all the time, but I believe that the good things are worth my time and energy. There is always a silver lining and even when it seems impossible to see, I am going to keep searching and keep moving forward because that's all I can do.

I think one of the reasons we feel overwhelmed, sad, and even hopeless, is because we spend so much time trying to fix things and we miss the magic in our lives. Sort of like the child that still believes in Santa, we have to look to the miracles to give us hope and all the pain and junk will seem less important.

At least that's how I feel right now. My life isn't perfect. I am struggling, just like we all do. But I am working hard, moving forward, and proud of who I am.

So even as I lay here with tired eyes and tired muscles, I am going to get up tomorrow and do it all again because there is a quiet nobility and honor in working hard and achieving greatness. Even if that greatness looks different to me than it might to you.

Look for the magic in the world today, tomorrow, and everyday.

Good night world. I love you all.

SD

'tis the season to be... materialistic?

I was thinking about Christmas today and all that there is to do and see during the holidays. For some reason when I was little I enjoyed the madness starting around Thanksgiving, but now days it's more a hassle than enjoyable. Maybe it comes from working retail and food service on too many black Fridays. Maybe it comes from the lack of money and time to shop for things. Maybe it's because I hate Christmas music.

It's hard sometimes to not feel like a scrooge this time of year. It's because every time "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" comes on the radio I cringe. It's because I am disgusted by the amount of money, time, and energy spent on gift giving. Don't get me wrong, I love  present as much as the next poor college student, but I guess when I see the madness, the traffic, the general lack of concern for the meaning behind the holiday itself, I loose interest at the very least.

When people fight over parking spaces at the mall just to buy the next doodad or thingamajig or nearly cause an accident because everyone is in such a big rush, it irks me. Not just during the holidays, but everyday. I guess I notice it more now because I just expect people to be kinder, more considerate, and a little more forgiving this time of year. It doesn't really happen that way.

So here I sit feeling like the anti-Christmas scrooge while I just spent the whole night baking cookies and wondering why I care at all. I think I like the idea of Christmas spirit, but in a more meaningful way. I like to bake because I can share what I make with the people I love. I like to give gifts, material or not, because it shows the people I care for that I am thinking of them and I love them and they so important in my life.

Whether you buy into the spiritual side of Christmas or not, there is so much more than crazy malls and eating food that lead to a resolution to shed the resultant pounds come New Year's. I am realizing that and I hope you do too. I have found that without this notion of the deeper side of Christmas, you miss out on some really great moments.

The place I used to call home...and man do I miss it!

Let me start off by saying three things: 1) I loved my time at Taylor University 2) I miss it everyday 3) (and this is most important) I do not regret one single thing that has happened since I left. I know that my time there and my time away from there was all part of God's plan for my life. In the time since I left Taylor, I have found myself, the man I supposed to spend the rest of my life with, peace and happiness--things I ran to Upland looking for, and a family that I never dreamed of having when I ran away from home nearly four years ago.

But man do I miss Taylor. I made some of the best friends and family while I was there. So much has happened since leaving. Friends have gotten married and engaged, graduated, and found love and success in so many ways.

Tonight I saw a video that reminded me of the good days and all the happy moments there. CBS sports did a special on TU and our little world in the middle of Indiana. I know I am not part of the TU community anymore but a part of me still feels like it's a part of me. Like when you grow up somewhere and then move away in high school. That old home is always still a home, but now I have a new home and new love, and a new life.

I will love Taylor forever, but I am a new person, happy, healthy, and alive and I am so greatful that is the case. I will always love this place and the memories I have, but tonight, I am finally letting go of the loss I had with leaving Taylor and embracing everything I do have. I am thanking God for all those amazing memories, but I thank Him for all of the ones that are still yet to be made.

Check out this video on CBSsports for more about my little school in the middle of the cornfields.

And the world turns...

We all go through things. Sometimes our things are harder than other people's things. Sometimes my stuff is a bigger deal to me than you think it should be. We all have perspective and our perspective is unique to our experience, understanding, and emotions. But it doesn't make us exempt from the fact that everyone has these experiences, joyous and painful, that make us feel happy, sad, angry, giddy, loved, alone, and everything in between.


My favorite writer, Jamie Tworkowski (I talk about him a lot) said something pretty smart once (well more than once, but you get the point...):

 "We all wake to the human condition.  We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss..."

Every day people are losing loved ones and every day babies join the world creating love, beauty, and mystery in our worlds and in our families. But life is more than a sitcom and we have to accept that it is not just all happy cuddly moments.


I found myself wishing for younger days recently (that's weird to say at barely 21, but as a senior in college about to be married, I find myself with more responsibility and more decisions than I have ever had before), and with that longing I was wishing for a day to sit around and watch one of my favorite sitcoms  Boy Meets World. 


I always loved BMW because it was real problems (sort of), but they were solved in 28 minutes most of the time. The people dealt with real pain and real loss, but they always found ways to deal with it by the end of the episode. As a kid in a not so perfect home (like that exists) I wished that could be real and I would dream of a world where problems were solved like that.


Where my life is more complicated now and I have more responsibility to myself and others, I find myself wishing for it more. The stakes are higher now and the pain is worse when I mess up and I have come to realize that dream world I wanted as a kid is not just a childish fantasy, but something I still wish for as an adult. Where does that leave me?


I think I have come to realize something else, Jamie Tworkowski said to be true,

 "We live in a difficult world, a broken world.  My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time.  We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck."

I have felt many of these emotions expressed in the above quote and I feel alone, stuck, and confused and wonder why that world I have longed for can't be real. Sometimes I have wondered if that simple world is real and if I am not good enough to have it. 


I have come to realize that the joy comes with the pain. The enjoyment of the good stuff comes from appreciating what you learn from the bad stuff. I have been down some really painful paths and I have messed up my share of things, but I have learned that nothing can be solved in 28 minutes and the problems of this worldh take time, patience, and hard work.


Whether I solve a problem quickly or slowly the world keeps on turning and I will keep on growing and life will keep on moving forward. If I royally mess up life goes on and I will pick up the pieces and move on or I won't. All I know is that if I don't pick up those pieces I will miss out on some really amazing things like love, beauty, peace. And that's just the beginning...

Love, Loss, and Healing

Have you ever watched something really sad?

I have been really into Army Wives lately, and I think it has more to offer than just entertainment. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it is a scripted, ideal life situation. Even so, it offers me lessons of how to deal with the harder things in life, like losing someone very close to you.

The episodes that I have been watching lately have to do with the death in one of the main families, The Holdens. The daughter, Amanda, is killed in a tragic bombing. Often the episodes end with this dramatic change in tone and all of sudden one of the surviving family members is reminded of this great loss and I find myself crying right along with them.

This was my experience just a few minutes ago as I watched the mother and sister characters walk into the rebuilt place where the bombing occurred. The sister broke down and began coming to terms with the loss of her sister after fighting with the guilt of being happy throughout the entire episode.

I think there are so many real life implications here and the biggest one is that these things that we spend our time with, whether it's television, music, reading, whatever, give us an outlet to express emotions. I can relate to this situation of losing someone near to me in a swift, unexpected, moment. No goodbye, no warning. In my case a phone call changed everything. And now every time I do something that reminds me of him, my heart aches at the very least and at times I find myself bawling at the oddest of times.

The great struggle that we see in my silly analogy, but also in real life, is that we struggle with guilt when we're happy. Every time I smile, laugh, act goofy, and so on, I feel guilty. He died in pain, in the wee hours of the morning, with no one to hear his last words. Yes, he lived his life, but is it fair of me to go on living when he's gone? This is my tension.

I think if he were here there would be no question, and further more he'd be angry if I weren't living or if I were stuck in this constant suspended state between happiness and guilt vs. being stagnant. Ideally, we grow, change, feel love, pain, happiness, and all sorts of things, and in the process the ones we may have lost are not forgotten. Their memory is honored in how we live our lives well.

I honor him everyday by living my life proud of who I am and where I come from. I live in honor of him by doing right by myself, my future, and whatever future family I might have. I hear all the time how proud of me he was and I never really knew this because he was a man of few words, but I live my life in honor of him by doing things that would make him proud. And if I feel happiness along the way I think it makes him feel more proud to know that I am living and carrying on his spirit through my life.

My greatest regret is not saying goodbye. There was this moment where I almost demanded to be taken to the airport to get a plane a few days before he died, but I didn't because it was finals and I felt like God was going to let him hold on. I was so angry at God when he died just a few hours before I got home. I realize  now that in a sense I don't have to say goodbye.

He died at home, in the house where his children grew, in the house where I have memories, and in the house I continue to visit today. His ashes were spread in the yard behind this home and it is as if he is part of the home and part of our lives in every way. I have chosen to honor that home with his memory by believing that he is there and that though his body died on that horrible day nearly three years ago, his life lives on through me, his family, and his home.

I hope you can find ways to deal with your loss in similar ways. I know that my journey to this kind of closure has been a long road and it hasn't been easy. Find your outlet to begin that journey and then don't be afraid to express those emotions. If I hadn't started writing while those tears were rolling down my face just now, these words would have never crossed my mind much less made it to this page. Sometimes that raw emotion we are so afraid of brings healing. Sometimes that lack of control, that uncertainty, brings hope, peace, and sometimes even joy.

For all the ones we've lost and all the ones we still have. To love and to healing.

It's been almost a year

and a lot has certainly changed. In the last year I got engaged to the love of my life, transferred (again), changed my major, and decided to start loving life for exactly what it is...an adventure.

One of my favorite writers, Jamie Tworkowski, said the following things in the mission/vision statement for the organization he founded. They have become the foundation for how I live my life.

You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.

We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.

You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change.

Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.

The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.

You might be thinking that I have to be pretty messed up to have this as the foundation of my life, but think about it. What are things that are being valued here? Love, healing, community, humility, redemption, forgiveness, the list goes on and on...

I believe the part about how everyone struggles and everyone has problems. And ya, sometimes it's the small-scale sitcom like problems you see on that after school special we all wish our lives were a little more like. But sometimes they are deep, painful problems that affect us in ways we will not fully understand all at once. I know I have experienced both. I think what I have learned this year is to know the difference between the two.

Have you ever heard the serenity prayer?

God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

I think we can sit around and argue about how this little diddy is only useful in certain environments, but this simple wisdom of knowing the difference between the things I can and cannot control makes life just a little less overwhelming, a little less daunting, a little less scary. I think that when I surrender the need to control things that I never had control of in the first place, I stop pushing people away and I am able to allow that love, healing, forgiveness, redemption, etc. to take place.

For the longest time I felt stuck in this broken place because I thought I had no control over my life, but then I realized that if I took smaller steps and broke down my expectations of myself to a reasonable level, I have a lot more control than I ever thought. And the things I can't control are a lot easier to let go. This doesn't mean I lower my expectations because I can't achieve my dreams either. It means I just take more steps or smaller steps to get where I want to be. It means I take more chances, learn more, and experience more along the way. I have learned that living this way lets me love more, laugh more, and at times it will hurt more, but in the long run it's well worth it.

If you would like to know more about that organization I was talking about, check out www.twloha.com. This organization changed and saved my life. A broken, scared, lonely sophomore girl about six years ago found this video on MySpace about a girl named Renee and these people (one of them being Jamie Tworkowski) who were helping her. A few minutes later, she was weeping because she realized there was someone out there who cared about what she was going through and there were people out there who are going through the same thing. Six years later that girl is engaged, a senior in college, planning on changing the world with her story (because some guy named Jamie told her that her story mattered) and this little MySpace born organization has helped thousands of people just like her.

Micah 6:8 says:

"He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?"

It's been a long time and I have some splainin to do!

So. I never thought I'd be here the last time I sat down to write. 20. Engaged. Happy. It's kind of crazy. It's the life I wanted, not perfect or simple but a life that makes me feel alive. Some days are hard, but I have a man that I love so much who helps me through those days. Some days are great. Those days feel like a fairy tale. Still, like all of you, I struggle with pain, regret, questions, and tragedy. I struggle with faith and believing that everything is real and going to last.

But still I believe that I deserve great things and I believe I deserve to be happy. I want this happiness for me and for my family. I want to change the world and I think it starts with changing my world. All the pain, all the crap, all the struggling really sucks and I'm tired of it. I am choosing a better life for myself.

A lot of you are probably wondering who I am and what happened to the girl you knew. Well she was changed. By trial, by faith, by love. My life was spinning and then all of a sudden it crashed into all the pain and anger but also all the great things in my life and I came out for the better.

Part of this new and improved me is due to the fact that I am completely head over heals in love with Joseph Baas. He has helped me see the best version of myself and he has led me to believe that I am better than I have believed myself to be in the past. He has helped me to believe in a God who loves, heals, and forgives. He has helped me to see through my darkest moments and never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself.

Joe and I are far from perfect. We have our problems like everyone else. We are growing and changing, evolving into people we are proud to be, and together becoming a couple that defines our love in Christ's forgiveness and this new life we have been given. Romans 8:37 says, "For we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." The rest of that passage goes on to say that nothing separates us from Christ. That means nothing. No sin, no pain, no anger, no broken past. Nothing separates us from the blood and redemption of Jesus.

That's how I can believe in the love Joe and I have. I see the love that Christ gives me despite my sin, my brokenness, my past. I see how I have been redeemed for a purpose and part of that purpose is to love and and be loved.

I never understood this before because I didn't love myself and I definitely didn't love others--not the way I supposed to anyways. My love was out of motive and now it is a love that is unbounded by the things that used to weigh me down. Now my love strives to be Christ-like. I love because I have seen what it is like to be loved, truly loved, and I now know what it feels like to love without motive. I will never achieve such perfection, but man will I try. I will always love and be slow to judge, anger, and abandon. Only will I let the Lord of my life guide such big decisions.

So...all that being said...are you ready to hear about my whirlwind semester? I hope so. It's one heck of a ride.

This is my story. I don't always know how to tell it and a lot of people don't like what it has to say, but I am happy and for the first time in my life I feel like things will be okay. I'll be back tomorrow to tell you about this man I love so much. The question is will you be back to read it?

Just shut up and listen...

Do you ever notice that we talk ALOT. Think about it. I saw some friends from high school the other day. I didn't shut up the entire time. It was so exciting to see them, but it actually hit me while standing there that I was talking ALOT! Same goes for when I'm at work. We often just talk to fill the silence. We say things that mean nothing and often the things we say are just noise. What if we just listened. What would we learn?

I did this listening thing last night and I learned so much. I learned that I have this amazing opportunity to reach out and do something for someone who has done so much for me. I learned that God loves me through my pain, my sin, my brokenness. I learned that I am never too messed up. I learned that I can make mistakes and still declare victory.

There's this song we sing at church and it really hit me last night as I have dealt with a lot of growing pains this summer. It goes:

For His returning we watch and we pray

We will be ready at the dawn of that day

We'll join in singing with all the redeemed

For Satan is vanquished and Jesus is King

What I learned here I that through all my brokenness and all my sin I can still declare my victory that I am redeemed. Now I know a lot of you who read this are not tracking with me on this theology stuff, but this transfers into life no matter where you are. 

Life might suck right now for you and struggling might be a huge reality, but I am sure there is something that you can declare as victory in your life. I hope you take some time today to stop complaining and start realizing that there is an opportunity to appreciate that victory. 

I did this last night. For the last ten months I have been whining about having to transfer to a new college. Then I realized that God made it this amazing opportunity to start over and really take a chance to draw near to Him. He worked everything out in a way that made things so much easier and I could never ask for anything more.

Last night someone asked me what I am doing next year, and when I answered them I did with an attitude of gratefulness because I was so thankful for how God worked things out. Ever since a lot of other stuff (related to school and not) have worked themselves out too. It all seems like coincidence, but I think it has to do with this whole stopping, listening, and changing my attitude. 

With an attitude change more good things will come and all of sudden happiness might just sneak up on you. It's kinda crazy how life works itself out. :)

SLD

The Last Night

This song tears at my heart strings because it's so many people's stories. I often wonder who can you change with a smile, a kind word, a thoughtful gesture? Maybe you're not looking them in the eyes or taking them in your arms, but you might be changing their life forever by letting them know they are worthy and valuable to you. I know it would matter to me in that moment.

Check the song out. It's a conversation between a guy and girl about her last night. She thinks it's her last night alive. He knows it's her last night alone. He is going to help her. He is going to help her hold on. But ultimately he's going to lead her to something better, stronger, and greater than anyone or anything that can help her get through her pain. It might not make sense here so please check it out live on YouTube and on iTunes!

The Last Night
by Skillet

You come to me with scars on your wrists
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this

Just came to say goodbye
Didn't want you to see me cry
I'm fine

But I know it's a lie

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere
You want me to be
This is the last night you'll spend alone
I'll hold you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything
You need me to be

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you
They don't know you at all

So sick of what they say
It's just a phase you'll be okay
You're fine

But I know it's a lie

This is the last night you'll spend alone

Look me in the eyes so I know you know

I'm everywhere

You want me to be

This is the last night you'll spend alone

I'll hold you in my arms and I won't let go

I'm everything

You need me to be

The last night away from me

The night is so long

When everything is wrong

Give me your hand

I will help you hold on

Tonight

Tonight

This is the last night you'll spend alone

Look me in the eyes so I know you know

I'm everywhere

You want me to be

This is the last night you'll spend alone

I'll hold you in my arms and I won't let go

I'm everything

You need me to be

I won't let you say goodbye

I'll be you're reason why

The last night away from me...

My last night alone was August 18, 2009. I fell to the floor and found the verse below in God's word. Nearly one month later I confessed to a room of strangers through the power of forgiveness that I had been pretending and this song was my story. On October 11, 2009, I had the words from that verse tattooed on my back because I believe them so strongly.

I leave you with this. 1 Corinthians 13:8, "Love endures all things, believes all things, and hopes all things. Love never fails."

SLD

A more beautiful you...

Have you ever heard a song that says you're perfect just the way you are? When I heard song like this earlier today, I felt a little annoyed. I knew the song wasn't meant to patronize me, but this song is telling me something that I just can't seem to find manifest in the world outside the radio. 


The song told me that I was beautiful, smart, and perfect the way God created me. I do believe that. With all that I am I believe that.


Even so, convinced of this and content with the fulfillment of Christ in my life, everyone seems to think they know who I should be. Apparently they know what I should look like, believe, and do for the rest of my life better than I do. 


I decide who I am. I am Sammi. I am a not typical and I don't ever want to be. I have tattoos and piercings and will be getting more. I love Jesus Christ and I want to change the world. I don't care if you don't like how I look, what I believe, or my ambitions. I do care if I am not the person I claim to be, but please don't tell me who I am or am not. I know that already.


-SLD

P.S. In case you're curious the next tattoo will be a purple stargazer lily on my foot. It will be kind of like the one in the picture. In Matthew 6:28 it says, "See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin." The passage in Matthew 6 talks about believing in God to provide for you. It represents having faith. It goes with my other tattoos of hope and love while still being different.

So it's been a while...

I have been thinking about being unfinished...and I have a lot of unfinished work. Some of it I can't figure out where to go. Some of it I just can't finish. Here's a piece I wrote last semester:

Falling Skies

by: Sammi Deem

Ash colored rain falls from her clouded eyes. Julia can’t stand to look at her own reflection—at the woman she is slowly becoming. The drops streak her face like tire tracks on a worn, wet, road. Each drop falls, rolling down her face like they were attached to strings. They are probably the same strings that controlled her life, her marriage, and her family. How did things get this bad, she wonders.

Blue and purple bruises collar her neck. The outline of his hands wrap around her neck, leaving a mark of their marriage that no one wanted to see. There is no hiding from this reality and no covering it up like she had all the others. The bruises will eventually go away but the scars will always be there.

She is momentarily pulled out her world as she hears small voices close by. Her daughters, Elizabeth and Madison have been hiding since the fight hours ago. Madison, the older of the two, protects her sister from it all. She tells her stories and plays games to pretend that it’s not happening. She knows that her daughters are smarter than either of them realizes of each other. She fears that this will shape who are they as the bruises shape who she is.

As her mind continues to swirl, the same small voice that was a few rooms away is now coming from the doorway of the bedroom. The words Julia hoped to never hear escaped Elizabeth’s mouth. It was as if she was sure of the answer before asking the question.

“Mommy, why are you crying?”

            Taking her daughter into her lap and wrapping her arms around the child’s small frame Julia answered her daughter hoping to bore her before having to answer her question. “Mommy’s sad honey.”

            “Well, why are you sad?”

            Julia felt more tears falling from her eyes as cold air filled her lungs. Both Elizabeth and Julia knew why the tears were falling. Quickly Julia tried to decide if she should answer her daughter or just continue to hold her.

The real question Julia had to answer was whether she had the power to protect her daughters from this pain. It seemed that Elizabeth’s once innocent mind is now familiar with the brokenness that fills so many words, actions, and looks that Julie and her husband share. Could Julia convince Elizabeth that her father wasn’t evil? Could she convince herself of that?

Realizing her daughter was still sitting in her lap and now playing with her red lipstick, Julia snapped back to the reality before her. She smiled at her daughter who had lipstick all over her face. Elizabeth had an incredible resilience. How could a five year old be so much stronger in the face of so much pain? Julia knew she had to do something. She had to save herself. She had to save her daughters.

“Lizzy, where’s your sister?”

“She fell asleep on the outside. We were looking at the stars.”

“How about we go get her and get some ice cream?” Julia was trying to avoid her husband who would soon return in a drunken stupor.

“Is that what you do when you’re sad mommy?” Elizabeth was hoping with all her being that her mother would say yes.

“What’s that?” Julia didn’t realize that she had just made her daughter’s night.

“Eat ice cream?” Elizabeth asked.

“Yes. And do you know what my favorite is?” Julia asked, attempting to mask her voice in excitement when really she feared that her husband might already be home.

“Birthday Cake?” Elizabeth responded hoping her mother would choose her favorite flavor so she could eat out of a big kid cup.

“Yep. That’s—“ Julia stopped mid-sentence to the booming voice her husband.

“JULIA!!!” Jason roared.

“Honey, go to your room. We’ll get ice cream tomorrow night,” Julia said hurriedly to Elizabeth.

She could hear Jason’s footsteps pounding up the stairs one after another. For a moment they stopped. He probably got dizzy and had to recollect himself. Then like a strike of lightening, the door to the bedroom swung open so hard Julia thought it might fall off it’s hinges.

“What the hell is Madison doing sleeping in the front yard?! All we need is one of those CPS idiots to drop in on us like we’re drug dealers or something and take our kids away. Is that what you want?” Jason hollered. He spoke to Julia like she was his third child.

“Maybe CPS would save them from you.” Julia sniped.

“What did you say?” Jason’s head snapped around toward Julia. His eyes waited for a response. They were full of evil and hate.

“Nothing, Jay. She fell asleep looking at the stars. Lizzy just told me before you walked in. Can we please just go to bed?” Julia pleaded with him secretly hoping the nausea of his drunkenness would take over and he would suddenly disappear to bathroom.

“No we can’t just go to bed! You must think I’m an idiot. I know you think you’re better than me”

“At least I don’t have to be drunk to be home.” Julia regretted it before it even reached Jason’s ears.

With a single motion Jason’s candor turned from anger to fury and he turn completely toward Julia and knocked her to the ground.

“MOMMY!!!” Madison was standing in the doorway. From the floor her mother saw a look of sheer terror and disappointment in her daughter’s eyes. It was as if part of her believed Elizabeth’s stories—until now anyways.

“Go to your room Madison!” Jason yelled.

Madison just stood in the doorway in shock. She didn’t know whether to scream or cry. She was afraid to leave the doorway. She feared that if she did, she might never see her mother again.

“GO MADISON! GET OUT OF HERE” Jason screamed.

“Go honey. I’m ok. Just go.” With her mother’s comforting words, Madison left the room, but hid right behind the wall of the bedroom so she could hear her mother.
            “What is wrong with you? It’s one thing for you to do this to me, but to ruin our daughter. Do you have a soul?”

Jason just stared at Julia. He looked angry, but his anger looked almost as scared as their daughter did.

“Of course you don’t. If you did…” Before Julia could finish her sentence Jason was in the bathroom getting his face reacquainted with his familiar porcelain friend. Julie didn’t have the strength to move. She didn’t even have the strength to think, but her daughters needed her and she needed to save them.

The bathroom door was open just a bit and Julia could see Jason passed out on the bathroom floor. Most of the time this sight would only make the pain sharper and more severe, but today it gave Julia a chance to get out. She quickly grabbed a bag and some clothes. She ran into her daughters’ rooms and shoved their clothes and stuffed animals into the bag. She then realized Madison wasn’t in her bed.

“Maddy? Honey? Where are you?”

“Mommy?”

“It’s okay honey. It’s okay. Come here. Mommy’s okay.”

Julia grasped her daughter and held her close to her. Elizabeth came in and saw the two of them sitting on the floor. Julia took both of her daughters into her arms. She held her daughters while they cried. She let her daughters know that it was going to be okay. They looked at Julia with eyes that believed her but showed fear. They knew their mother loved them, but they didn’t know if that was enough.

How could they know so much brokenness at such a young age? How can they be so strong, Julia wondered.

The bathroom door creaked like a shrill scream. Jason must have woken up and would be looking for Julia when he realized she wasn’t in bed. Julia picked herself and her daughters up and they went downstairs.

“Mommy, where are we going?” Madison asked.

“Shhhhh. Just follow mommy, Maddy. Pretend like it’s a game.” Elizabeth put her hand over her sister’s mouth and just as quickly Madison batted it away.

“Girls. We are going to go away for a while. It’s like a vacation”

“Are we going to the beach,” Maddy asked excitedly.

“JULIA?! WHERE ARE YOU?” Jason sounded angrier than before.

“Come on girls. Let’s go. We have to go right now.”

“Mommy. Is daddy going to get mad at us. Is he going to hurt you again?” 

Elizabeth was afraid of what was going to happen if they didn’t get out.

“No. We are getting out. We are going away right now.” 

They got in the car and began to pull out of the driveway. As they closed the garage door, Jason stormed out the front door and watched everything he had controlled for so long drive away…

How do I end this?

Day 5:Creation is here!

Hey guys,

It's finally here. I have been counting down the days since I drove away from Agape Farm in Mt. Union, PA to the worship of Casting Crowns just last year. I can't believe I am going to Creation again. It seems like a once in a lifetime opportunity!

This year will be a little different. I have learned a lot about camping in the last few weeks. I have a stove, real food, a tent, many coolers, and other amenities to make the trip more liveable. I also have a friend going with me and I am so excited to share this week with her. I love the idea of worshipping God together and having a chance to share an incredible experience like Creation.

I am also part of the press this year. I will be among the people vying for a minute of time with some of the biggest artists in Christian music. It sounds so cheesy, but I spend every weekend in church worshipping through songs written by people who help me communicate with my Lord and now I might get to meet them. I might get to hear from some of them their thoughts on worship, music performance, and the like. It's amazing when you think about it. Sometimes I wonder why I write and then opportunities like this remind me!

I am excited to say the least. I will spend hot days at the gates working my butt off. I will be spending my small amount of free time trying to get interviews, photos, and videos of the shows. I might sleep (probably not) and get to spend time with the amazing friends I met last year! I can't wait. Make sure to say hi if you stop by. I hope to see you at the gates! Creation is less than 24 hours away!

Day 4: It's just uncomfortable

I hate this weather. Humidity. Severe Thunderstorms. People who can't drive and turn on their AC at the same time. It's just icky.

I am currently sitting in my mom's office where there are 4 fans and a portable air conditioner cooling the 85 degree room. It's hotter than a mother in here. Setting up the portable AC was a comedic event. If I could have I would have taped it for AFV, but that would have required more hands than I currently possess.

It's funny though because despite the fact that I am uncomfortable there are places that are much worse (my house for example) and places I would rather not be (work for example) so I sit here in discomfort and write, watch Hulu, play on facebook, etc. It's easier to be a little uncomfortable and more productive (or some twisted version of productive).

So get uncomfortable today. It might help you get something done you didn't expect.

Day 3: Friends till the end

I spent the evening with my two best friends last night. We ate. We laughed. We shopped. It was a great time. It got me thinking about the value of our friends. When do we put them first in our lives and when do we use them to get what we want? It's frustrating to think about because we all do it.

Friends are one of the most important things in our lives, but we all put ourselves first more often than not. Why is this? It's scary to think about the fact that one day we may have no friends if we keep doing this.

Do something good for your friends today.

Day 2: All you need is time?

So I skipped two days. You probably realize that doing something everyday no matter what is hard. But really why is it hard? Writing this blog takes me at most half an hour. I can find a half an hour. Yesterday, I spent a half an hour in Old Navy killing time. The day before that, I spent way more than a half an hour watching many NCIS episodes...one after another. It's amazing how we waste time when all we want is more time.

I was thinking about this a lot the other day. I am taking these tests to get out of taking math and science in college. I am spending my summer learning Calculus and Biology (again) so that I don't have take and retake these classes. It is giving me more time during the semester to focus on my major classes. It is giving me a lighter course load and less stress which allows me to be someone that people actually want to be around. It also allows me to give more of myself  to others which is at the core of who I am.

But even then, it's tempting to give and give and give. I often try to get busy for God and at the end of the day I am spent, exhausted, and even sick sometimes because I don't take care of myself. I find myself behind in my school work. I am often frustrated by the fact that it takes so much time to get things done. And no matter what preparations I took to reduce my stress beforehand, I am always stressed. Why is this? I think we are addicted to using up all our time in ways that often bring glory to ourselves before they bring glory to God.

They might start out that way. I often will do something for the greater good because I want people to see my love for God and I want God to be given the glory, but if I get something out of it, there is a more likely chance I will do something for the greater good again. It's not a profound confession, but it is the truth. I love serving God. Don't get me wrong. Serving Him has led me to realize His call on my life, but even those feel-good feelings that I get when there's a victory for His kingdom leads me to want to be there in that position of service again and sometimes I wonder if those are the right motives.

But that's neither here nor there right now. When it comes to time, I think no matter what our motives are we need to say no sometimes. It doesn't make us heathens and certainly doesn't make us bad friends or family. It makes us sane!

There's this exercise that some of my friends do when they are hired for certain positions at school. They have to block their time for specific activities as to force time management. It allows them to understand what their priorities are and helps them to see what's important. I am going to do this starting Monday. I wonder if maybe you would do it to. If any of you are actually reading this.

Anyways...take care of your time because it's precious and it's limited.

Day 1: Watch out Giada...

Today I attempted to be a better cook than I am. It's funny because most of the time when I make something for the first time I have no idea if the end product is going to be good. But I never apologize and I never try to feel sorry for myself if I fail. There's something about cooking that always seems measurable beyond good and bad.


With the dessert I made today the crust rocked, but the filling severely lacked. While I don't know what I did or how I messed it up, I learned that the crust is a great recipe and that I can continue to work on my skills with that, but maybe a different filling would be better.


There were good and bad in the same product. It's not all measurable by one standard. Imagine that. I'm going to try it again this weekend. We'll see how it goes.


Until I figure it out feel free to take Italian pastry advice from Giada de Laurentis. One day I will be in her shoes. Sort of...


I have always wanted to open my own place. A cafe that serves people good food, pastries, coffee, and tea. Then I would invite the homeless to come and eat after closing. I'd stay open for them until I run out of food. It creates less waste and it impacts a small part of the world.


Cooking with a purpose...now that's better than Giada's fake smile for sure. :)

365 Days

It's amazing how fast one year goes. It's amazing how fast we forget moments, thoughts, and words that at times can seem life-changing. So what are we to do?

Well have you heard of the 365 project? If not, here's how it works. One chooses a discipline that he or she practices (art, photography, writing, even cooking) and they do that discipline everyday for a year. At the end of the year they have a collection of whatever the fruit of their discipline is.

I am going to write everyday. Reflections, poetry, short stories, whatever inspiration brings. I want my writing to be a representation of my day. I want my days and weeks and months to be a collection of those memories, thoughts, and words that we so easily lose. At the end of this project, my writing should mean something, maybe only to me, but my prayer is that not be the case.

I will start this project tomorrow. 365 days to go. Who knows what the next year will bring.